Flow State
Am I inspired, or an egomaniac?
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A Sweaty Affirmation
It was noon on a Thursday, and I was exhausted.
After three hours teaching in the heated yoga studio, sweat wriggled its way into every nook and cranny, plastering the top I wore to my skin. Salty stains bloomed from my armpits, my torso, my thighs.
As I pushed open the fitness center’s front door, the outside cool air rushed against my skin, delighting my senses. I weaved my way through the suburban parking lot, disappearing toward my vehicle. Pressing myself next to the driver’s door, I unlocked it quickly.
No longer in the spotlight, I collapsed into my seat, chugging electrolytes like my life depended on them. Time to replenish, I thought, fantasizing about a nice, nutrient-rich salad.
A few moments later, my phone chimed. It was a text from my supervisor.
Hey! I wanted to let you know that members went to the front desk and were raving about you!! They enjoy your class so much and said you’re one of the best instructors they have ever had.
A bittersweet wave of joy, gratitude, and melancholy rolled over me. I’m meant to be doing this, I thought. I’m loving this. I’m thriving. And I’m bringing light into people’s days.
And then a creeping doubt. But…. Is it worth it?
Living in Purpose
Though I feel tired teaching so much, I’m also invigorated. My heart feels full. Despite our financial struggles, and the dumpster fire that’s the world around us, I collapse into bed each night, happy and satiated. For the first time in many years, I’m sleeping well, content with the intuitive knowledge that what I’m doing in my daily life aligns with my values, talents, and passion.
As far as my mental health, I have finally struck a better balance between work and being a mom. I have time and energy to show up for my kids and be present to their needs. I have 35 hours a week when they’re at school to teach, write, and ground myself. I’ve let go of my perfectionism, ignoring the unimportant things, and flowing with the things that bring me joy.
And yet, just as teaching is lighting me up, I’m not making much money. As I wrote about in my last post, we’re pretty darn broke.
Our house is, quite honestly, in need of much reorganization and deep cleaning. And while I’ve recommitted myself to writing and finishing my novel manuscript, there is still an undercurrent of guilt. There’s that creeping, capitalist need to monetize it all or let it go.
Am I being selfish, persisting in pursuing my dreams instead of supporting our family more, financially and logistically?
But… I’m living my purpose. And I don’t want to stop.
The Grind: Joy Thief
Juggling parenting, writing, and teaching multiple fitness and yoga classes each week, while invigorating, is also exhausting. Like pretty much everything in my ADHD life, it brings incredibly high highs, and rather low lows.
But when I think back to how flat and defeated I felt in a corporate job, I can’t imagine going back.
The Struggle to Stay Relevant
This past Monday, I drove into the office on a holiday. Both kids had no school, but work had scheduled a meet and greet lunch for our new team member. My husband agreed to triage while I was away. I’d come home and pick up the slack in the afternoon, when he started his Monday night shift working until midnight. Good times.
Amie’s Substack, a popular author I follow here, recently posted about whether it makes sense to monetize one’s hobbies, versus keeping these things as side pursuits that we generally don’t have enough time or energy to adequately explore whilst slogging through corporate life. One can burn out, after all, doing what they love. And then what? If you’re burned out on your passion, where do you go from there?
But which is worse – risking burnout, or never following your interests in the first place, and spending most of your waking hours doing a job you dread and grind through with zero joy?
For myself, as an ADHDer, the answer seems to be: risk the burnout and keep the passion. Because if I’m not interested in something, I’m definitely not going to be effective at it on a long-term basis.
Is Ego Driving My Hobbies?
There is nothing I love in this life more than writing, movement, and teaching. I thrive in front of an audience, sharing what I know. I love telling stories and jokes. And while some shrink away from presenting, speaking to groups brings me an instant sense of connection and meaning (this doesn’t mean public speaking doesn’t make me nervous or self-conscious – it absolutely does).
So why do I get such a high from these things? Does it mean I just think I’m the greatest, when really I’m actually cringe-worthy? (according to my 10 year old, I definitely am “cringe”). Am I a total egomaniac?
I’ve thought about it a lot lately. Passion projects like teaching yoga and fitness classes, working on my novel, and writing essays take a lot out of me. When I go into hyperfocus mode, I can spend hours researching a topic, building a sequence, creating a playlist, scribbling in my journal, and clacking away at my laptop. In my absorption, I often lose all concept of time and surroundings. The disheveled house melts away. If I don’t set timers to remind myself to do important life things (like picking up the kids from school), I’ll forget.
Here is where the dark side of my mom-guilt-mind goes: Rachel, since you are no longer earning six figures, wouldn’t it be better if you spent your days deep-cleaning the house, preparing healthy, homemade snacks for the kids when they get home from school? Aren’t you being a selfish, neglectful wife and mom for immersing yourself in these silly, unpaid pursuits?
Oh, how that mom-guilt-mind loves to beat me up every time I feel a drop of joy.
Engaging Neurospicy Superpowers
Truth be told, teaching and writing are a couple of the only times when my ADHD feels like a superpower instead of a liability. Writing stories, and planning classes, I get to learn about all kinds of fun new things, forging connections between seemingly disparate ideas. My pattern-loving brain lights up as I pull all of this information together, weaving it into a tapestry of self-expression.
Writing and teaching are my art, and it enlivens to share the bits and pieces of soul, wisdom, and discovery with others. It brings me joy to see others light up with something new. It’s building a human connection that we’re so desperately missing in modern life.
And here, I find the answer I’ve been seeking. My greatest desire is to be a facilitator of human connection.
More than that, even – a facilitator rebuilding connection between humans and the natural world, other beings, and the earth itself.
Perhaps that makes me an egomaniac, a hippy, or a wildly eccentric and optimistic middle-aged mom. Perhaps I’m “extra,” a naïve idealist. But I’m OK with that.
Because this world has enough soul-dead, dulled out people coloring within the lines.
And that, I am certain, is not who I am.
What Ignites Joy for YOU?
Use the Comments to chime in about the things that light you up! ✨
What fires up a flow/hyperfocus state?
What ignites your curiosity?
What makes you feel most alive?
When do you feel aligned with your life mission/purpose?
What shifts do you hope to make to better align your daily life with your purpose?
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I resonate so much with this, Rachel!
Let me clarify something here. You are teaching, in a class, you are writing and posting here AND getting on-fire responses from readers that your writing is resonating with them, you love public speaking ((me too) and it makes you nervous(if it doesn't maybe you should look for something else, right?) and more. You FEEL all this, but your greatest desire is to facilitate human connection. Maybe I am missing something but girl, you are already facilitating human connection in an honest, deep, caring, giving, selfless and multilayered way in all that you are doing. And your writing proves it. You feel as though you give more when you're already giving it your all. I'm not one to offer "how to fix" advice here but in this case I'm making an exception. You need to get off your own back. Thank you, guys, for being here. IF you take my advice maybe I'll start an advice column in the local paper.